We have three, I repeat three episodes left in the crazy adventure we call Game of Thrones Season 7. What the heck is happening? Do you know? Or are you too caught in dragonfear to remember? Well, here’s our mid-season recap to help you out!

Dragonstone (Season 7, Episode 1)

Arya Stark: This episode opens with Arya in the guise of Walder Frey (who she killed back in season 6). She murders the Freys who were at the Red Wedding in retaliation. Later, Arya runs into a slew of Lannister soldiers, who happen to have a bard with the face of Ed Sheehan. (Internet hilarity ensues.) Arya “jokes” that she’s on her way to King’s Landing to kill Cersei.

The Wall: Bran and Meera make it to The Wall. Bran uses his weird sight trick, that’s slowly becoming his season-long staple, to unnerve Edd Tollet of #TeamJon. Bran and Meera get past the Wall.

Also, there are lots of walkers coming and they have giants. Zombie giants

Winterfell: Jon secures the loyalties from House Umber and Karstark, despite their break with the Starks to fight alongside the Boltons. Sansa publicly questions Jon’s choice and we see some tensions between the siblings. 

Also, Jon states that women and girls must pick up the sword and fight. Lyanna Mormont shows us once again why she is the best! #LadySpeeches

The Citadel: In a montage meant to show us the monotony of Sam’s life, the viewers are treated to a a lot of poop and porridge that makes us all want to vomit. In other news, Sam steals a book and finds out the Dragonstone is practically built on dragonglass. He sends a raven to Jon. Also, Jorah is at the citadel, still suffering from Greyscale.

The Brotherhood without Banners: Sandor Clegane (aka the Hound) is alive and well and traveling with the Brotherhood without Banners. They spend the night in the house of the farmer that The Hound stole money and food from previously. He also sees a vision in the fire and now he believes in the Lord of Light. Oh god, the Hound gets religion. That’s gonna play out as well we all expect.

King’s Landing: Cersei and Jaime have a conversation atop a giant map of Westeros. Cersei acknowledges that all her children are dead, and that they are the only Lannisters “that count.” And we the audience acknowledge that Cersei is officially a monster, as her children were her last shred of humanity.

Euron Greyjoy, aka the maddest, sexiest pirate since the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, also makes his way to Kings Landing. He offers his loyalty to the Lannisters if it means he can kill Theon and Yara, and if he can marry Cersei. It’s as weird as you think it is, and Cersei seems down.

Dragonstone: Dany finally makes it home to Westeros, and she finds her way to the Chamber of the Painted Table. You remember? The room with the table map where Stannis and Melisandre made a shadow demon baby? Yep, our girl is home.

Stormborn (Season 7, Episode 2)

Dragonstone: Dany and her allies (Yara, Ellaria, and Olenna Tyrell) strategize the best way to begin the War. It involves no dragons, lots of sailing, and a lot of snark from Lady Olenna (“Men are sheep; be a dragon.”)

Dany also has it out with Varys, her adviser who helped with her attempted assassination at the time of her birth. She says she’ll forgive him that if he promises to come to her when he feels she’s forgotten the people. “Auspicious” that they should have this conversation just as Melisandre arrives to bend the knee to the Mother of Dragons. Melisandre also encourages Dany to invite Jon Snow, King in the North, to Dragonstone.

On the eve before he leaves for battle, Greyworm and Missandei consummate their love and it’s all shot from the female gaze. #bless

King’s Landing: Cersei has several lords over for a quick chat about swearing fealty. Jaime promises Lord Randyll Tarly, aka Sam’s Dad, that he’ll become Warden of the South. Jaime also manages to sneak in a good dick joke at the expense of Tarly’s son, Dickon. An unfortunate name, a very good-looking knight.

Cersei’s hand Qyburn, aka the “cleverest” and creepiest man in The Red Keep, has invented a giant crossbow that can (hopefully) kill dragons.

Inn At The Crossroads: Arya returns to Hot Pie’s, where she learns that Jon Snow has returned to Winterfell. After leaving the inn, Arya also comes across Nymeria, her direwolf. While the direwolf doesn’t quite recognize Arya as her master, she also doesn’t eat her. 

Winterfell: Jon, upon receiving Sam’s raven re: dragonglass at Dragonstone, decides to go south to see Dany. Sansa, despite their previous chat, once again publicly questions his decision. Even Lyanna Mormont opposed Jon leaving Winterfell. In turn, Jon puts Sansa in charge in his absence. Littlefinger gets all weird about Lady Sansa, and Jon threatens to kill him if Littlefinger gets too close to her. 

The Citadel: Another disgusting montage as Sam peels the greyscale off Jorah’s infested body. He heals Jorah.

On the seas: Yara, Theon, Ellaria and the Sand Snakes are making their way to Dorne. Things are about to get hot and heavy between the lady leaders when Euron comes in on his crazy-ass pirate ship. Euron literally crushes a dude with a gang plank.

Terror ensues, two Sand Snakes die, and Euron captures Ellaria and Tyene. He also captures Yara and Theon devolves back into a PTSD-laden Reek. Theon jumps into the sea only to see the Greyjoy ships being burned.

The Queen’s Justice (Season 7, Episode 3)

Dragonstone: Jon arrives at Dragonstone and it goes as well as you’d expected. Dany, with all her honorifics that mean nothing in Westeros, demands he bend the knee. Jon holds his ground as he asks for help defeating the White Walkers. The audience holds their breath as they pray that these two (who are probably/most likely related) don’t develop weird crushes on each other. I’m still #TeamDaario.

Thanks to Tyrion, who is sometimes quite good as his job as the Hand, a comprise is (sort-of) reached. Dany gives Jon permission to mine dragonglass.

Melisandre tells Varys that they are both destined to die in “this strange land.” After sufficiently freaking him out, she leaves for Volantis.

Winterfell: Bran returns to his ancestral home and Sansa is so pleased! That is until Bran does his weird Three-Eyed Raven trick and tells Sansa intimate secrets about her wedding to Ramsay Bolton. #creepy

King’s Landing: Euron marches his niece Yara, and Ellaria and Tyene Sand through the streets, reminding us that the people of kings Landing might not be worth saving. He offers the Sands and “gifts” to Cersei, who manages to stave off his marriage proposal for the time being. Euron asks Jaime about Cersei’s sexual preference and immense awkwardness ensues (“finger in the bum?”).

Cersei, who manages to put on some fuchsia Wet’N’Wild lipstick, has some fun with Ellaria. What Cersei does is in the same vein as the Mad King. She chains them up so that Ellaria and Tyrone can never reach each other. And she kisses Tyene so Ellaria can watch her daughter die (similar to how Ellaria killed Myrcella).

Cersei and Jaime also have an incestuous evening, and Cersei doesn’t seem to care if servants see him naked in her bed the next day. 

The Citadel: A healed Jorah leaves the Citadel, and Archmaester Ebrose rewards Sam with a bunch of disintegrating scrolls. These scrolls are sure to be important later on.

Casterly Rock: We finally see Casterly Rock… and the Unsullied take it! But wait. Jaime has been counting on this. He empties the grain storage, sends Euron’s ships to destroy the Unsullied ships, and takes his best men to Highgarden.

The Reach:  The Lannisters (with the help of the Tarlys) take Highgarden. But in true Grand-Dame fashion, Lady Olenna gets the last word. Jaime decides to humanely kill her with a painless poison, which she guzzles down. And she spends her last moments confessing what we all knew: she killed Joffrey at the Purple Wedding. And she wants Cersei to know it. #OlennaOut!

The Spoils of War (Season 7, Episode 4)

Winterfell: Arya finally returns to Winterfell! Though two idiotic guards attempt to block her way, she manages to be reunited with her sister Sansa and her brother Bran aka The Three-Eyed Raven. She also fights Brienne of Tarth for fun, and Sansa sees that Arya is fast becoming the warrior she always wanted to be. Also, there hasn’t been nearly enough Brienne of Tarth this season!

Bran’s got a few things going on himself. Littlefinger gives him a Valerian steel knife of great significance, which Bran promptly gives to Arya. Littlefinger also gets real weird about protecting “our children” and Bran scares him off with the quote “Chaos is a Ladder.” This is a season 3 callback, and it’s something Bran never heard Littlefinger say.

Meera Reed also leaves and through Bran’s callous goodbye, we learn that Bran is more mystical being than emotional human.

Dragonstone: Jon shows Dany the Dragonglass mines, as well as cave drawings by the Children of the Forest and the First Men. Jon explains that the two creatures were allies in the face of a common enemy: the White Walkers. Jon and Dany also share some longing looks, reminding us that incest is never off the table in Westeros.

Varys and Tyrion admit the loss of the Greyjoys, the Dornish, and the Tyrells. Dany wants to take her dragons to the Red Keep and burn it down. And since Tyrion has been leading her astray, Jon is the one who must talk sense into her. A new plan is developed, just as Theon returns to Dragonstone. He and Jon have a very awkward reunion, but Jon doesn’t kill Theon thanks to Theon helping Sansa.

Kings Landing: Mark Gattis of the Iron Bank is still around, making sure Cersei makes good on her promise to pay her debts. She plans to do this by using the gold from Highgarden. She needs a new CFO though, because now that she’s paid the Iron Bank back, she wants to take the money out again. This time to hire mercenaries, specifically the Golden Company, to bolster her army. 

The Reach: Jaime is in charge of carrying wagons of gold to The Iron Bank of Braavos. He gives Bronn a giant satchel of gold, and manages to stick yet another jab at Dickon Tarly about his name.

Then the best battle yet. Dragons! Dragons and Dothraki set loose upon the unprepared Lannisters and it’s awesome! The gold is ahead so Dany is just burning grain and the food supply, but still! Not that the Lannister give up without a fight.

Bronn manages to shoot Drogon in the arm using Qyburn’s weapon, Scorpion, from episode 2. Drogon destroys it, but this is a turning point. Now both sides know that dragons can be harmed. Dany takes a moment to try and take the arrow out of her beloved dragon-child. And Jaime takes the (stupid) chance to stab her with a lance.

Tyrion, atop a hill, has been watching the whole thing and keeps calling Jaime a fool. Why? Because obviously the dragon is going to defend its mother by turning Jaime into a pile of ash. Or at least that’s what would have happened, had Bronn not knocked Jaime from his horse straight into some deep water. The episode ends with Jaime floating down to its deep depths.

End of Season Predictions:

  • Jaime isn’t dead! That’s an easy one. But Cersei is gonna be pissed when she hears about the battle. So my guess is that Jaime is either (finally) going to leave her, or that she will marry Euron just to spite Jaime. 
  • Sansa told Arya that Jon would be so happy to see her. Which makes me think that Jon isn’t making it back to Winterfell. My guess is that Dany is going to kill two birds with one stone. She’s going to marry Jon, making him not only the King of the North, but the King of Everything. And she’s going to get him to bend the knee and get all of his armies. That way the North and the South can fight Cersei. And since there are now several Starks in Winterfell, there’s really no need for him to return. Also, incest. 
  • Theon’s gonna die trying to save Yara. It’s the only way his storyline can go. And Euron is also gonna die because he’s crazy and this can only end badly for him. Maybe Jaime kills him? That’d be great, thanks.
  • That knife is gonna come back into play.

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