izombie: Fifty Shades of Grey Matter Recap

Synopsis: So many people sleep with the wrong people. Like. So. Many. People. Liv hooks up with the weird drug dealer and Peyton gets it on with Blaine. Oh, and the team also solves a lusty librarian’s murder, I guess.

Rating: ★★★★★

Before we begin, I’d like to start with a collective, cleansing outpouring of how we all feel about what happened between our girl Peyton and Blaine in this episode.

Breathe in. Breathe out. And on the out breath, say it with me, “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.”

Breathe in. Breath out. On the exhale this time say, “GROOOOOOOSSSSSS.”

Now try to let go. Let go of the feeling that nothing will ever be okay. Understand that bad hookups with sociopaths happen to good people. Shower a few hundred times. Still feel unclean.

This week on iZombie, Liv eats lusty librarian brains. Even better than that is that Liv eats lusty, erotica-author brains. And then proceeds to grope and/or objectify every male in Seattle.

Yes, Liv caresses Babineaux’s back, proposes that Ravii and Major mud wrestle, etc. etc. It’s great fun. As with all fun, this results in terrible consequences after she hooks up with drug-dealer-mole-hot-guy du jour whose name I can’t be bothered to look up.

Anyway, librarian gal was poisoned by hemlock right before the publication of her first novel. After much intrigue, including a rivalry with another librarian and discussions with the sexy neighborhood flight attendant, the team finds out that the murderer was none other than… her wheelchair bound ex-firefighter husband! Gasp!

Turns out the dude didn’t want to be cuckolded by his faithful wife’s novel, which makes precisely NO SENSE. Yes, let’s kill the woman who stood by you for FIVE YEARS in a sexless (by choice) marriage, who vents her sexual frustrations in a productive way. That’s cool. Women should just never do anything for themselves and their fulfillment anyway, amiright ladies?

While this farce finishes, Major abandons his dog (somehow no one on the bus called him in?) to make sure Babineaux and his FBI squeeze didn’t track down his victim’s pet with a GPS chip.

And then we flash to Peyton and Blaine talking about the case against Mr. Boss in the DA’s office. Things start to heat up after the two share a few drinks, and the camera fades away while they two start UNHOLY GRINDING AGAINST EACH OTHER I AM SO UPSET RIGHT NOW.

*breathes*

Afterward, Babineaux and his squeeze arrest Blaine on an old drug possession charge, but Peyton gets him out because he has immunity for his testimony. She then realizes what a terrible mistake she made hooking up with him and goes to talk to Liv, who tells her everything horrible Blaine has ever done. The episode ends with Peyton crying on Liv’s shoulder and Liv realizing the horrible mistake she probably just made with dealer du jour.

Also, will Peyton become a zombie if the Cure is temporary and zombiism is sexually transmitted? Because no. I can’t.