In a war for your species’ survival, how many different ways can there be to kick the bucket? I’m no history expert, nor am I a mathematical savant so I won’t even try to guess that number. Although, I can say that some ways are far worse than others. We’re talking more literary self-destruction than Game of Thrones. That being said, join me as I recount the eight worst ways to die on Attack on Titan

Spoiler alert. There’s going to be titans, lots and lots of titans.

Attack on Titan humans murder Mikasa's mother
[Aminoapps] A human death by human hands.

8. Killed by a Regular Human

Not only do we have to worry about titans going through our towns like all you can eat buffets, but we have to worry about safety from fellow humans as well. We can’t be very surprised since apocalyptic events equate to apathy between humans, but it still sucks and the protagonists face some irreversible trauma from it.

Attack on Titan Female Titan swings soldier like a yoyo
[Inverse] Team Rocket, blasting off agaaain…

7. Equipment FAIL

What’s that? Your blades are broken or dull? You’re dead. Your 3D maneuvering is malfunctioning? You’re dead. Your equipment is perfectly fine, but a titan has gotten hold of your wire and proceeded to swing you around like the world’s fleshiest yo-yo? I think you get the idea by now.

[MeritReviews –] Better than becoming a chew toy? Mehh. 

6. Suicide 

Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the amount of fear and hopelessness you must be consumed by to see blowing your head off your shoulders as a better option. Most of us will never know that suffering, but it’s a pretty common state of mind in titan-land.

Attack on Titan Debris fatally traps soldier
[ragglefragglereviews] Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 5. Squished by Debris

No death is fun, especially in the midst of a battle. Still, what could be worse than being completely taken out of the fight by debris? We shape it and form it to our preference. In fact, we created it. IT’S NOT EVEN AN ANIMATE OBJECT!!

[aminoapps] Talk to the hand… that is, unless it smashes you.

4. Squished by Titan

Oh, I know what could be worse than being squished by debris: being squished by a titan. Titans eat humans, that’s just what they do. It’s as natural to them as breathing, so when a titan resorts to flattening you like a fly on the wall, where’s the dignity in that? It’s hard to imagine a death less human or void of respect. At least it’s an instant one.

[Inverse] Titan chips: you can’t eat just one.

 3. Eaten by Titan

Remember when I said, eating humans was natural to titans. Well, yeah, they won’t hesitate to treat you like a happy meal with legs. Being eaten by a titan is practically never a quick or painless death. Imagine how slowly you chew your food and what happens to it if you swallow without chewing. It’d be unimaginable agony to be alive for either of those, yet countless humans in the Attack on Titan world have met just this fate.

Attack on Titan Sasha leaps voraciously for bread
[Aminoapps] For Sasha, bread is life… literally.

 2. Starved to Death

Never mind the comical representation. If we’re talking about slow and painful deaths, starving would have to be on the top of that list. I can hardly bear starving for a few hours, much less however long it’d take to die from starvation. I won’t research it, but let us know what you find out.

While death by titan is horrible, at least you’re generally safe within the walls of civilization. There’s nowhere you can go in a post-apocalyptic world where you’d be completely free from the possibility of starvation. It’s a fairly grisly way to go, regardless of the lack of gore or viciousness it involves.

Attack on Titan Marco lays dead from off-screen death
[Attack on Titan Wiki – Wikia] No Love for Marco.

1. Off-Screen Death

Of course, no death in the series can top the infamous off-screen death. Usually, dying in such a way would equate to a meaningless end that no one would remember. So how is it that Marco’s death managed to carry so much meaning and evoke such sadness? Beats me, but that’s the magic of Attack on Titan. The creators consistently find a fresh, ingenious way to yank on your heartstrings when they need to.

The death we all experience at life’s end is both on-screen and off-screen. We’re the protagonists of our own lives, while simultaneously side characters in the lives of some and non-existent in the lives of others. What do you think about that? 

What did you think about Attack on Titan‘s methods of clearing their inventory? Did we miss any? Leave a comment and let us know. We’d love to hear it.

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