Synopsis of 1×05: We all have regrets. Will Evie and Xavier overcome their fears to face their old regrets? OR will they form new ones before the day is done? 


Slingshot a shopping cart is never something I have considered doing, but it’s on someone’s list, so that’s the beginning of this week’s episode. What’s next from the Apocalyst? Maybe a pillow fort? Or Number 17 on Evie’s list: Get Fern Fernburger’s forgiveness. Turns out that sophomore year of high school, Evie abandoned her nerdy, best friend from color guard to join the popular and elite volley ball team. Ever since then, Evie has been afraid that she’s ruined Fern’s life. Xavier agrees that she should pursue that #17 and in turn he’ll pursue one of his more difficult ones. I assumed it was “talk to dad,” but of course, it was “tell Evie how I really feel.” But he’s not quite ready to tell, even when directly asked. Instead he says something up about a stolen baseball card worth millions. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Evie’s phone is still blowing up from all the dating apps Kareema put on it: Soulmate, CutieCrush, Heartster. Girl has a got a full dance card.

Evie decides to find Fern and the best way to do that is to use the Cybermart customer network. Very illegal, but luckily, Kareema just “happens” to leave the information on her computer while she goes out for a smoke. Evie finds out that Fern has ordered 4,000 lbs of cat food, which doesn’t bode well. And when Evie goes to Fern’s place of address, there’s a sign that reads Kitty’s Playground. Fern has possibly turned into the terrible cat lady that the internet warned you about.

Elsewhere, Xavier is lamenting to his barista buddy about how he wants to tell Evie how he really feels. Barista Bud tells Xavier what any sane adult would tell him: tell her how you feel and love will out. But Xavier keeps spouting aphorisms about “her journey” and “being free” and if he ties her down that goes against his “philosophy.” So because emotional vulnerability and intimacy is the one risk Xavier won’t take, he distracts himself with the quest for a Frank Thomas baseball card.

Hank is still experiencing Deirdre-induced eargasms. Timothy tells him that the best way to deal with Deirdre is that Hank needs to finally meet his internet girlfriend IRL. Timothy’s love life is not going well either. His new girl, Bianca aka Purple hair from the wrestling bar, is into Sex Combat, which means she sometimes just physically assaults Timothy for sexual conquest. It sounds terrifying, especially since Timothy tells Hank that once time he woke up to her punching his privates parts.

Evie almost bails on finding Fern. But just as she walks off Fern’s doorstep, Fern opens the door. Fern is in fact not a crazed cat lady, but a successful entrepreneur. She runs a non-profit animal shelter. She’s basically living Evie’s dream: travel, goodwill, exotic lifestyle. Fern seems to be on good terms with Evie and even offers her a possible job. So a lunch date is made between Evie and Fern for the following day at CyberMart.

But when Evie recounts the story to Xavier, she realized that Fern never actually forgave her, and Evie swears to get Fern’s forgiveness. Xavier has also made some headway on his quest. He finds the card, but it’s behind glass at the Seattle Museum of Baseball (which doesn’t exist. Go Mariners!) So the only thing left to do is to steal it. He and Evie try and hide out until the museum closes, but then they do what every other normal couple would do: start making out and get totally caught. The Security guard is willing to let them off  for a price. He wants a kiss “with tongue.” Evie, who

The Security guard is willing to let them off  for a price. He wants a kiss “with tongue.” Evie, who has make out with a law enforcement officer on her list, is willing, but it’s Xavier he wants. So Xavier takes one for the team, and smashes faces with the rent-a-cop, giving Evie time to grab the keys and switch the cards. A job well done — especially since Xavier can cross off “French a Bloke” and Evie can cross off “Do something slightly illegal for the greater good.”

No Tomorrow -- "No Regrets" -- Image Number: NOT105b_0090.jpg -- Pictured (L-R): Joshua Sasse as Xavier, Taz Vanrassel as Security Guard and Tori Anderson as Evie -- Photo: Bettina Strauss/The CW -- © 2016 The CW Network, LLC. All rights reserved.

The next day, Evie has a talk with Deirdre about her job. Not her dream job for CyberHugs, but the job with Fern, because Fern called Deirdre for a reference. So in order to smooth things over with Deirdre, Evie has to invite her to lunch. It goes well! Too well, in fact. Fern is so delightful, sharing stories from Evie’s past, talking about having lunch with pigeons in high school and waxing poetic about animal friendships, that Deidre offers Fern a job consulting for CyberHugs.

Xavier attempts to give back the baseball card, something that should have been so easy, but when his buddy tells him that they fired the housekeeper, Mrs. Barnes, over the stolen card, Xavier has a new mission. Find Mrs. Barnes. Another distraction from Xavier’s true mission to tell Evie the truth. Hank, in his attempts to meet his internet girlfriend, goes down a strange path of espionage, code words, and disguises. And Timothy laments that he and Evie are a match on the dating app SoulMate. Evie is waiting for Timothy to reject her, but Timothy just can’t give up the ghost.

Fern calls a meeting for CyberHugs, but Evie fails to receive the invite. Fun Fern Fact: she spelled Evie’s name Evil on the email address. Fern’s crazy is starting to show; she’s becoming a little too Single White Female for Evie. Stealing her friends, making nice with her boss, and trapping Evie into a battle of wits, one that Evie promptly loses. Fern even leaves a bunch of volley balls on Evie’s desk with the note “It’s On.” Evie takes the challenge, but in doing so, loses the game. She yells at Fern in front of the whole management team. Turns out the volleyballs were part of a mass CyberHugs donation. But Fern owns up, revealing that yes, she is still hurting from Evie’s high school betrayal. 

Xavier eventually tracks down Mrs. Barnes. She’s dead, and her tombstone reads “Loving Wife and Mother.” Xavier seems unsatisfied that this is where his journey should end. So he takes an extra step: he finds her daughter. Dr. Violet Barnes is a psychologist who assures Xavier that the world works out the way it’s meant to. Even though the job loss was hard on her family, it inspired her to pursue her real passion of therapy and psychology. She even manages to convince Xavier to come clean to Evie, so he can finally cross off #1259 on his list.

Despite Evie’s workplace meltdown, she is still offered her dream job on the CyberHugs team. She’s ecstatic, but she turns it down. She lets her actions speak for herself by letting Fern take the job. Fern actually like CyberHugs and is more qualified that Evie, and Evie tells her so, at the high school track where she and Fern re-live their color guard glory. So now Evie can finally cross off #17 on her list.

But the day’s not done: Hank meets his internet girlfriend, but alas, she cannot give him an eargasm. She winds up being adorable best friend material. She even quotes Back to the Future: “When I kiss you, I feel like I’m kissing my brother.” They agree to be friends — weird, conspiracy-obsessed friends. The next Hank Sequence might have been Deirdre’s fantasy — he comes to her with a bouquet of her favorite Lavendar post-its — office materials, bringing couples together since 2016.

Evie heads to Xavier’s to tell him her good news. And Xavier finally is ready to tell her the truth: he doesn’t want to practice ethical non-monogamy with her. He wants her, just her, only her. She throws her phone away, the equivalent of “You had me at Hello.” And Xavier, ever the romantic, has set up her dream blanket fort for her.

Oh, and let’s not forget Timothy! After Evie rejects him on SoulMate, who should match with him? None other than Fern. Tune in next week to see what our SoulMates will do next!

Leave a Reply