The True Blood season six premiere did not disappoint! It was everything I have come to love about the series and more. After filling the Skarsgard void with Bill and Gustaf in the off-season, it was nice to come back to my first love, Alexander. The episode picked up right where we left off at the end of season five, though I admittedly can hardly remember the specifics – they started flooding back to me during the episode. Naked Billith was still after Sookie and Eric at Authority HQ, while Pam, Tara, Nora, Jessica, and Jason were trying to shoot their way out of the same building. They re-group outside only to witness bloody Billith fly off into the night.

Pam and Nora instantly clash, leading Eric and Pam to clash over her. This leads Tara to attempt to comfort Pam, who is, in turn, rude to Tara. This is a family reunion with all kinds of issues going on. I’m not sure how to feel about this dysfunctional family now. Is Nora going to be around forever? Can’t Pam, Tara and Eric just run their club and be badasses all by themselves? I’d watch that show.

Sookie tries to comfort Jessica in the aftermath of seeing the monster that has become Billith. She tried to get Jason to do it, but he refused. I wasn’t a big Jason and Jessica fan anyway. I love Jason dearly, but the boy didn’t follow the bros before hoes rule very well. Jessica worries that she’s all alone now, but Sookie assures her she is not. Sookie waxes poetic about Beel being her first everything and they have a little bonding moment.

It's a cute moment. Until Jessica ruins it later by throwing everyone out of Bill's house.
It’s a nice moment that highlights Sookie’s drive to help people and vampires alike. The same feelings that cause Jason to throw a crazy fit.

From one dysfunctional family to the next, Jason melts down after Nora glamors him into telling her what he knows about Warlow. He threatens to kill her, Eric holds back from killing him, and when Sookie tries to diffuse the situation, Jason disowns her and goes running off on his own. It’s dark, he’s all bloody and exhausted from the events already, and he has a gun. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Jessica is summoned by Billith and involuntarily begins moving towards wherever he is. When Eric stands in her path, she vomits blood all over him and begins writhing on the ground and begging to be let go. I… guess this is normal when you’re stopped from being summoned? I’m not sure, Eric seemed confused (and none too pleased) as well. He doesn’t try to stop Sookie from escorting Jessica to Bill and I really appreciate that about Eric. Let her make all of her own dumbass choices, Eric. Good for you.

I had to jar my memory for (1) who Luna was and (2) why she was dying so horrifically outside of Authority HQ in front of a little girl, where she and Sam did not meet up with the rest of the gang. She dies without much fanfare, which I think may have been the reason I was hardly affected by it, and Sam takes her daughter, Emma, back to Merlotte’s. Lafayette makes his brief appearance in the episode to help Sam emotionally cope with what has just happened by feeding Emma and telling her they’d do something with her hair. Lala makes everything better.

Poor Lafayette, always finding himself in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Poor Lafayette, always finding himself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The governor of Louisiana holds a press conference to declare a vampire curfew, wherein all vampires must be inside or underground all night. He also passes legislation to shut down all vampire-owned businesses before being pelted with blood by a protestor. This is bad news for Pam and Tara, who are ambushed by SWAT guys at the bar. Govenor Burell then turns around and makes a secret deal with the makers of Tru Blood. They can use his factory in exchange for helping to fund his re-election.

Alcide makes an appearance in the episode to cement his position as packmaster by eating the flesh of his late packmaster in human form – yuck! At least transform for it, wolf teeth have to make it easier to gnaw through flesh. A lady-wolf, Danielle, introduces herself to Alcide and there is an instant chemistry that both Rikki and JD’s mother dislike. While out hunting with the pack, Danielle comes onto him and Rikki witnesses it. Rather than send her away, Rikki turns it into a kinky threesome to remind Alcide that she’s his “number one bitch.” Not sure how that’ll remind him, or if he’s even thinking about that while getting that special attention, but okay, Rikki, whatever you want to be.

Arlene gives Andy a kick in the ass about fatherhood because he’s now the proud owner of four half-fairy babies that he must raise alone. It’s sweet and I appreciate any time Arlene and Terry get into the mix of things (except that smoke monster stuff, I will never forgive all that time wasted on smoke monster). Andy tries his hand at diaper changing and is just starting to get the hang of fatherhood when he’s awoken by four previously-baby-aged toddlers who look to be in their terrible twos. Hopefully they grow out of that age just as quickly.

No, really. Nothing bad could come of this decision at all.
No, really. Nothing bad could come of this decision at all.

Remember how nothing bad at all could possibly happen to sweet, simple Jason? Someone was even nice enough to pick him up, bloody and all! He gives his (and Sookie’s) who life story to the driver, including how he hallucinates his dead parents immediately before seeing them in the backseat. When the driver reveals that he knows Sookie’s name without Jason ever saying it, he asks Jason just who he thinks he’s talking to. It’s Warlow, played by the fantastic Rutger Hauer! He disappears from the driver’s seat and the car seems to crash.

Jessica and Sookie finally make it to Bill’s home, where they find him cleaned up and sitting on his back porch. Before they can talk, Eric and Nora fly in to stake Bill, but he easily fends off Nora and when Eric is in trouble, Sookie runs forward to stake Bill herself. After a tense moment where no one knows quite how to react, Bill removes the stake and is unharmed. Sookie asks him to leave Bon Temps, but Jessica throws a fit and tells all of them to leave instead. She and Bill have a bit of a slumber party moment before her glass of Tru Blood slips off of the nightstand. Instead of crashing to the ground, Bill stops it midair and returns it to the nightstand without touching it. So along with being immortal, his new skills include psychic abilities. Hooray Billith!

The petition for less Billith and more Warlow this season starts right here, right now.
The petition for less Billith and more Warlow this season starts right here, right now.

Eric takes Sookie home and returns her house to her. She thanks him by rescinding his invitation. On the porch, Nora notes that she may have found Eric’s weakness and he threatens her to leave it alone. In a final closing shot, Bill is seen hearing whispers about his home. When he gets into his study, at least three naked Lilliths have been beckoning him. They all seem to fly into him at once and the credits roll.

So that was the premiere episode of the sixth season, a big jumble of things happen and the shitshow is underway once more. What did you think? Who is going to be the bigger bad this season? Billith or Warlow? Or will a dark horse like Nora emerge? Remember, she’s really into Lillith. I’m calling the Alcide-Rikki-Danielle love triangle the Iraqi ghost lady of the season right now – a whole lot of build-up for a whole lot of nothing.


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