Has anyone else noticed in the beginning that the names that come on of the cast have the sigil or their houses next to them? Because that’s awesome. Well, it’s time for another episode of Game of Thrones!

In Riverrun, the funeral of Hoster Tully answers a question that I’ve had for a very long time. What happens when you miss the boat with a flaming arrow? Well, your angry Uncle Brynden takes the bow from you and shoots it spot on before walking away is what happens. At Riverrun we learn some valuable information, key among them is Robb understands strategy and clearly Edmure does not. Also that Robb is not as undefeated as he appears to be, now holding two Lannister children named Willem and Martyn as hostages. Talisa takes care of the two boys, who further the rumor of Robb’s terrifying greatness, that he turns into a wolf at night and eats the flesh of his enemies. It’s a cute scene, since obviously Talisa is a kind person to the Lannister boys and it’s all fun and games, though Sam and I have surmised that given the pacing of the show, the two Lannister boys might end up with their heads rolling. And given the fact that this is Game of Thrones and not Sesame Street, this is a very likely case. Oh, also, Catelyn continues to worry for Bran and Rickon, obviously, as a good mother should. Though she has no idea that her youngest daughter masqueraded as a man and has suffered way more than any of her male children.

In King’s Landing, it’s whores and treasurers night! Littlefinger is getting what he wants, and is going to marry Widow Arryn. You remember Lysa Arryn don’t you? The crazy woman who kept Tyrion in a jail cell with no wall, the mother who has her like 5 year old still sucking at the teet, the sister of Catelyn Tully? Well she’s going to marry Petyr Baelish, and apparently they’ve already got quite a relationship, not shocking given that Petyr basically grew up with Cat and Lysa. Well, because he’s going to be gone, and winter is coming, someone new has been appointed as Master of the Coin, Tyrion Lannister.

Getting the city records from Littlefinger, Tyrion realizes that they money that he’s been getting is all borrowed money, which puts the king in a sticky situation. Want to know who else is in a sticky situation? In the best way? Podrick Payne. As payment and thanks for saving his life, Tyrion gives him a night with not one, but three whores! Hilariously, Podrick leaves the brothel without having to pay a dime to the women, shocking Brom and Tyrion since neither have known a whore to refuse money. Obviously Podrick Payne is the greatest fictional lover I’ll never have.

On the road to somewhere (because I can’t actually remember where they’re going), Thoros of Myr (who I incorrectly called Ser Beric in my last recap, sorry) has still taken capture of the Hound and with knowledge that Arya is the daughter of Ned Stark, has brought her along with them out of safety. Gendry tags along, of course, but Hot Pie has decided to stay. He’s good at baking and he’s bad at fighting. He doesn’t need to go with them when the lady of the inn likes his cooking. As a goodbye gift, he gives Arya a tasty baked treat in the shape of a direwolf, for her family sigil. It’s a cute moment, and I sleep better at night knowing Hot Pie isn’t constantly endangering his life, though I guess living in Westeros automatically endangers your life apparently.

In the North, Mance Rayder decides to attack the wall. Yup, that’s going to happen. The Wildlings know that the Night’s Watch is few and they have been attacked, and are taking this moment to take them out. Of course, they also have Jon Snow with them to help them guide the way. Unfortunately if he becomes too much of a problem, they’re just going to toss him off the top of the wall. Meanwhile, making their way south and back to the wall is the Lord Commander and the group of Night’s Watchers. They come back to Craster’s little village, and are given a rather chilly welcome. You remember Craster, he’s the man with a bunch of daughter-wives, and gives his sons to the wight walkers as payment for being safe. One of his daughter-wives was Gilly, the cute young girl who Sam had a crush on. Well, they arrive just in time. Gilly is giving birth! Sam walks in on it, and instead of being horrified at the miracle of life, he’s just horrified to find out that she’s given birth to a son.

Back in the dungeons in the middle of no where, Theon is being saved! Yay! The unknown man, who I have named as Ramsay Bolton, has let Theon free of his bonds and gives him a horse that will let him ride towards the Iron Islands. However, his freedom is cut short when he gets shot at by arrows, and attacked. He’s almost raped, but is saved by Ramsay again. Like I said, as much as I hate Theon, his life is just really depressing.

On the Dragonstone, Stannis is kind of losing it. I saw him as this strong man who doesn’t kneel to anyone, but he seems pretty desperate with Melisandre. She’s leaving the island for a while, but all Stannis wants, clearly, is to bang her. He wants Melisandre to birth another shadow demon baby to kill Joffrey, but according to Melisandre he’s become too weak for it. Unfortunate since it might have been easier for them to have Joffrey dead rather than Renly.

In Astapor, Daenerys is rejoined with Ser Barristan and Ser Jorah, both who are advising her on different courses of action. Barristan believes that they should just go to a different city, while Jorah knows that less innocents will be harmed if they use the Unsullied. However, Dany can hold her own, and in a conversation with the slave masters buys all of the Unsullied that Astapor for the price of her largest dragon. Obviously, Jorah and Barristan freak out, and try to stop her, but they just get a rapping on the knuckles by Dany as she walks off with a new slave interpreter Missandei and 8,000 new slave warriors.

Along some road travelling back to King Robb, Brienne and Jaime are tied back-to-back as they ride along with the camp of men who have captured them, with them Roose Bolton. Jaime warns Brienne, and correctly deduces, that the men will rape her at night. Though thankfully he manages to talk his way out of it. When everything seems all well and dandy, the ending comes as a shock as Jaime is untied from the tree and put on a stump, before getting his hand chopped off for his silver tongue. I’m not going to lie, I yelled at the tv at the injustice, but I was glad Brienne didn’t get raped. Plus, readers of the books saw that coming.

So that was a pretty intense, pretty rapey episode of Game of Thrones. I’m glad to see Gilly again, happy that Hot Pie is happy, worried for Dany and her choices, also really sad that Jaime lost a hand. But ultimately, what is the question that’s on my mind? What did Podrick do in that bedroom?


Also I found these two gems while looking for promo videos. I found the first one to be true in all manners concerning Game of Thrones and I have seen it floating around the internet. The second one is hilarious, but too soon. TOO SOON.

Oh the gems you'll find on YouTube.
Oh the gems you’ll find on YouTube.

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