Synopsis of 5×13: It’s over. It’s finally over.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

And now my spirit may be laid to rest, for my business on this Earth is finished.

Like any great tragic hero, Heroes Reborn died as it was always meant to. Solid concepts were presented and mangled. Most of the cast were superfluous and could be removed entirely. Five of the show’s original cast members have died. It was so, so dumb.

So dumb. [NBC]
So dumb. [NBC]
“Project Reborn” is the worst episode of Lost imaginable. The converging (and divergent) storylines coupled with a constantly unraveling mythology and occasional heroic sacrifices glimpsed throughout Heroes Reborn really harken back to that bastion of sci-fi storytelling in much the same way that an incompetent student film harkens back to the works of Tarantino.

As Tommy hopped through mental prisons and Luke ascended into the sky to stop a solar flare (the world’s largest sigh), visions of “The Incident” and “Live Together, Die Alone” danced through my head. These visions did nothing but show the drastic gap in quality between Heroes Reborn and anything of even mild competency.

Much of “Project Reborn” is a character piece of Tommy, who hardly qualifies as a character. Trapped in a video game,* Tommy runs into another version of himself who offers him some mild encouragement. Tommy then stumbles his way into a modern art exhibit that shows him things we already know but oh boy do we still watch all of it.

All of this serves to bring us to the only part of this PowerPoint we haven’t seen already: a series of experiments Angela and The Haitian of all people conducted between Tommy and Moolina even though there is an episode detailing exactly how and why these two were kept apart for their entire lives.** When Tommy and Mewmew join hands they make a blue light. Hopefully, that blue light will stop the solar flare that Chuck didn’t stop by exploding (?).

*This show is the absolute worst.

**This show is the wooooooooooorst.

What even is acting, really? [NBC]
What even is acting, really? [NBC]
Tommy then stumbles back upon his other self and offers him the advice that he gave himself so that he could succeed. It’s basically the climax of Prisoner of Azkaban if it was two minutes long and sucked.

Then Tommy, who is apparently the main character, pulls off some crazy time travel shenanigans. He’s in two places at once. How? Go screw, that’s how! Tommy touches everyone and saves them. He kisses his girlfriend through time (every girl’s dream). He lets Erica die, though. Not a Ra’s al-Ghul “I don’t have to save you” thing. He straight up uses a sword to ensure her murder. Heroism!

NBC: "We Cancelled Hannibal" [NBC]
NBC: “We Cancelled Hannibal” [NBC]
Tommy holds hands with Murlira to try and stop the H.E.L.E. (dumb name) but it doesn’t work. Ooooohhhh nnooooooooooooo! So Tommy goes back in time and we have to watch the same scene again but this time Tommy remembers that a man sacrificed his life to produce the blue light last time.

A man died holding Tommy’s hand when he was seven and he forgot about it. So Tommy grabs Noah, the former main character and the only person he can think of, and lets Noah live out his destiny(?) of holding hands with his grandkids and making a blue light to stop the Sun.

Noah has been curiously absent from the last three episodes of Heroes Reborn, which is weird because he’s the main character. Could you imagine another show doing this? Like if Buffy disappeared three episodes before the end of a season and only reappeared in the last three minutes of the finale. What a weird thing to do.

It’s a risky maneuver that could work on a show with a good enough supporting cast, but I can barely tell you a personality trait for any of these vanilla garbageheaps. So Noah returns to act circles around his grandkids and die. He was the only one that could. I mean, Quentin was sitting twenty feet away the whole time, but don’t think too much about it.

“But Kevin,” you ask, “how did Tommy get out of the video game?”

I hate you. I hate you so much.

Do you really want this? [NBC]
Do you really want this? [NBC]
So Ren and Katana Girl or maybe it’s Miko or possibly both get into Evernow and fight their way through two dudes to save Tommy before Evernow collapses. Why is it collapsing? Go away! This completes Ren’s character arc(?) and puts to rest any positive feelings I had about any of these people.

“Project Reborn” wraps up all of our beloved characters. What is most spectacular about the episode is that when it is presented with the challenge of giving Carlos, one of the series’ protagonists, anything to do in this finale episode, “Project Reborn” just says, “Nah.” He hangs out with Farrah and Micah in a hospital. He has one scene.

What was the point of an entire season of building up Carlos as a character(?) to pay him off exactly zero in the end. Even Farrah gets to be heroically shot. Carlos does actually nothing. Why is Micah even in this series? He does less than Carlos. Carlos’ final act on the show is to let a ten-year-old start fighting crime with him. This guy can go sit on a rock.

Taylor’s not even in the episode.

God's plan if they make more Heroes. [NBC]
God’s plan if they make more Heroes. [NBC]
And so the status quo begins anew and life goes on for our heroes reborn. Both Tommy and Murlena find ominous tarot cards setting up for another season that will never come. I can move on with my life. Heroes Reborn is over and I can finally be free. I don’t have to spend hours watching and reviewing this show. I no longer dread Thursdays. I never have to deal with Heroes Reborn again.

Until I cover it on my podcast.

Oh no.

You can find my Heroes podcast here and here and wait for the explosion.

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