American Horror Story: Coven – Boy Parts (03×02)

Synopsis: Madison tries to help Zoe create the perfect boyfriend out of Kyle and some left over parts while our creep swamp resurrectionist comes back into play. Meanwhile Fiona keeps Madame LaLaurie hostage in her room and tries to track down the witch who made the woman immortal in the first place.

Rating: ?????

I’m not getting that into this season of American Horror Story. Previous seasons have had a fair bit of sex but this season is like, “BAM IN YOUR FACE. Oh, BTW. ALL THE RAPE.” Okay, so, maybe not so much in this episode. This episode was fairly tame compared to the first one and the third one. In this one you’ve got Fiona still obsessed with being young and Zoe still obsessed with her dead possible boyfriend Kyle. No one seems to really be able to move on from things in this show.

This won't end well for these boys...
This won’t end well for these boys…

But we start off with the return of that one girl, Misty, who was said to have been murdered at some point before the first episode. Remember the girl that could resurrect people? Yeah. Nope. She’s back and murdering gator poachers because that’s what pretty Southern girls do. She resurrects the alligators they have hanging in the trees prepared for skinning and they basically eat these two dudes which is actually kind of cool. But she gets just about as creepy as the rest of this series gets as we go along so. You know. There’s that. Though she’ll be right at home at the school if they ever manage to get her there because damn. These girls got issues.

I mean, Fiona is keeping an egotistical 1800s witch hostage in her room. Zoe is pretty pissed off at Madison for killing Kyle while Madison could really care less. And it turns out our lovely headmistress can’t get pregant even after her husband begs her to do a fertility spell with him. So. You know. Bitches got issues. Of course, those issues start to get real when the cops show up and ask a.) why Zoe was in the hospital room of one of the boys who was in the accident and who later died because, you know, she raped him to death and b.) Madison was seen going into a back room with some of those boys earlier in the night. They think that the girls some how sabatoged the limo to cause it to crash. Luckily – or not so luckily for the cops? – Fiona is there to scramble their minds and send them on their way. Then she slams the girls into walls with magic because that’s teaching!

So this is like super graphic. Sorry about that.
So this is like super graphic. Sorry about that.

To make amends, Madison and Zoe go to the morgue to find Kyle’s body and see if they can resurrect him. Except he’s not so much a body as he is a bunch of parts and pieces that have been put together in one body bag. (Though, as Madison says, he’s still kind of cute.) Seeing it as an opportunity to build the perfect boyfriend, Madison gets Zoe to pick and choose pieces from all the frat brothers’ bodies and compile them together into one Kyle-Monster. Then they say some spell which gets Zoe to say, “Wait, did we just marry the Devil because I’m not okay with that” and hurray! Kyle-Monster is alive! But, you know, not entirely Kyle. Ultimately they meet up with Misty and Zoe stashes her Kyle-Monster with her for a while.

And in the mean time Fiona is off trying to track down youth/immortality/whatever by trying to find Marie Lavaeu who is the very witch who cursed Madame LaLaurie into her never ending life. Except it turns out they’ve now got a blood fued or something. I don’t know. I just know that we got a fair bit of back story about how American witches are all descended from an African slave in Salem or something and whatever. They don’t like each other. And Madame LaLaurie is all kinds of sad and asks Fiona to kill her if she can which she says she might or might not at some point. Besides, who knows if she can?

Pretty lackluster episode all together except for the dialogue and Misty’s obsession with Fleetwood Mac.


American Horror Story: Coven – The Replacements (03×03)

Synopsis: Fiona has to come to terms with her age and deterioration while looking down her successor in the face. Zoe tries to reintroduce Kyle into his old life with disastrous results. And the minotaur returns!

Rating: ?????

And here’s where it all gets super rapey again. I mean, c’mon. American Horror Story. Your shock value is getting really annoying here. It’s like you’re not even trying to tell a story any more you’re just trying to see how screwed up you can make things and then see what people think about it.  I’d say that’s not enoguth to keep people watching but let’s be real. It probably is enough. At the same time though I want a little bit more, you know?

This episode doesn’t start out with sex or anything. It starts with murder. Fiona is looking at the portraits of the old Supremes and remembers how she became supreme. By, you know, murdering the one before her. It turns out that as you get older as the supreme your powers fade and you become subject to all kinds of human diseases. Anna-Lee – the Supreme before her – didn’t like Fiona and thought she was a selfish bitch that should never be Supreme. Fiona took care of that, though, by murdering her so.

Meanwhile this poor man's Riff Raff just watches it all happen.
Meanwhile this poor man’s Riff Raff just watches it all happen.

Of course, Anna-Lee was right. All Fiona ever wanted to do was have sex and do things for herself.

Zoe – after resurrecting the Kyle Frankenstein Monster – goes to see Kyle’s White trash mom. She wants to see how she is doing and such. Turns out she’s not doing very well. She’s smoking all his pot and sleeping in his bedroom. She almost killed herself just before Zoe called to ask if she could come over. Thinking that both of them need one another in order for things to get back to normal, Zoe decides to bring Kyle home. She goes to pick him up from Misty who is super clingy and just wants to control the people around her I guess? I don’t know. She doesn’t want to let her take Kyle. She doesn’t want Zoe to leave. I guess when you get murdered by your own neighbors for being a witch, though, its understandable.

Back at the house, the girls are watching the super religious mother-son pair move in next door which leads to a conversation about who is and who isn’t a virgin. Queenie, it turns out, is saving herself for someone special while the other two have noooo problem getting jiggy with the boys. (Zoe is off dealing with Monster Kyle at the time) and Madame LaLaurie is catching up with the modern age. She’s crying when she see Obama as president and hisses “LIIIIIIIIIESSSSSSSS” when Fiona tells her she voted for him twice and that we’ve had plenty of great African American leaders. Things don’t get any better for her when Fiona tells her that she’s now going to be the school maid and not only that she’s going to be Queenie’s personal slave.

Madison takes the time to try and go hit on the super religious woman next door’s son but it turns out that’s not going to go well. She calls her evil and stuff and then Madison gets upset, makes a knife fly through the air, and then accidentally sets the drapes on fire with a power she didn’t even know she had. When the woman comes to complain to Fiona about the girl’s conduct that tips her off to the fact that the girl is going to be the next Supreme because she’s exhibiting all these powers. Most witches will exhibit just a few. Only the Supreme will show all of them and it looks like that’s going to be Madison. So they go out drinking together, have fun, and Fiona explains to her what’s coming next.

Meanwhile, it turns out that taking Kyle home was a bad idea. Things don’t make sense when he sees his mom as Zoe says. After his father left appaerntly she didn’t just have him become the man of the house figurately. She also started molesting him and has been ever since. So she molests Monster Kyle all the same. Which he seems to just sort of take and she just seems to sort of accept his new body. Until finally the monster snaps and bludgeons her to death for years of abuse. You go Monster Kyle!

I'm assuming at some point someone was just like, "Hey, you know what we haven't done yet? Child molestation."
I’m assuming at some point someone was just like, “Hey, you know what we haven’t done yet? Child molestation.”

Our sweet little headmistress get bad news that she can never have kids which is super sad. She tries to get Marie Laveau to help her out but she refuses because she refuses to help any Caucasian witch after her run in with Fiona. So that’s sad. We do get this super creepy sort of fertility ritual scene though of what WOULD have happened if she had agreed to help her. Which she didn’t so. I don’t know why we had to watch it but hey. It’s not the last we see of Marie Laveau, though. She finds out that Madame LaLaurie is around and goes after her. Rather, she sends her minotaur boyfriend after her because OMG SHE KEPT THE MINOTAUR. Which is pretty cool. I mean who wouldn’t keep their minotaur boyfriend? Except this is where it gets weird. Queenie is like “WTF IS THIS THING” and so LaLaurie explains. And then she goes outside to ‘take care of it’ and instead is like… coming on to the Minotaur. Apparently this is what she’s been saving herself for? She’s like “People call me a monster, they call you a monster…” apparently that means it’s time to lose your virginity to a minotaur. I don’t know. But whatever does happen he abducts her and takes her some place.

I don’t even want to know what’s going to happen with that next episode.

This is a PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN moment so. See? I'm screwing with you. This actually happened.
This is a PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN moment so. See? I’m screwing with you. This actually happened.

Lastly, Madison and Fiona are back in the living room talking and Fiona is telling her things. Then she tries to give her a knife so she’ll kill her and Fiona can just die because apparently that’s what’s going on. She’s dying. She tell Madison that she killed the last Supreme in that very spot and she wants Madison to do the same for some reason. I guess so she doesn’t get super old and die of old age and disease. Madison won’t do it, though, and some how in anger or something Fiona accidentally slits Madison’s throat and kills her. Meanwhile the creepy butler watches on just like he did when Anna-Lee was murdered.

So, you know. That was this episode. Ongoing child molestation and Minotaur sex.

Oh, AHS…

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