Tuesday Recap


Rhonda was kicked out in favor of Kristen. I don’t know why. It is another dumb move in a long line of dumb moves.

Kristen and Bri talk about how all the girls want the dudes super bad. By using the word thirsty. All while Chris is doing some heavy work. For the first several minutes I was really confused as to why they were thirsty when they were sitting down not doing any work. Plus they have water bottles that they can fill, and probably were filled. Then I learned what it meant. Sex. They mean sex.

Amanda is the only one concerned about the money. She sets the group down to let them know where they are and Josh gets all up in arms saying they really need to start making some. Excuse me Josh, but aren’t you spending over a grand tomorrow for a stove/gas line/something? And Bella is getting a nearly $200 water filter. Like they don’t already have tap water.

Lefty the farmer brought them a rooster!  Only took them three weeks to get a rooster. He asks to look at the garden, and tells them that the tiny little Bella keyhole gardens are not going to cut it. He says to make it much much bigger, other wise they will not survive the winter. Dangit Bella. Stop trying to sabotage the garden! We’ve talked about this!

Preacher J’s last message was tearful. Everyone is sad he’s leaving. I’m sad he’s leaving. He was the glue that kept them smart. He gave what he could to the group, and his spot to Red. Preacher J’s wife came to pick him up, and that reunion is so stinking adorable.  And now Utopia will fall apart without his calm guidance. Pastor’s spot doesn’t even cool before Bella tries to sneak up and snatch it away from Red. Red tries to calmly tell her no, but she goes and puts all her stuff down anyway. Naturally Red doesn’t take too kindly to this and tosses her stuff out of his spot. Seriously Bella.

Bella decides that the chickens need to be free range, so she opens the door and just lets them out. Naturally the chickens go to the cow pens to pick through the muck. Hex stops them from eating too much and tells Bella that they need to go up. Bella says no, even though she is effectively ruining the next several batches of eggs. Bella! Stop trying to sabotage the chickens!

Utopiyoga is a go. So they invite everyone they know. Which is mostly a bunch of older guys. It’s $40 per person. Amanda has to give a prep talk about how they need to be nice to the people coming and try to act like humans. The fact that talk has to happen is so sad. Anyway, the bell rings to alert the Utopians that the yoga crew has arrived. It’s a crew of one. One lone yoga person. Lone yoga person Ben is pretty cute though. The utopians bail out and express their displeasure at only one person showing up. Hey, forty bucks is forty bucks.

Red needs a friend. He confides in Hex that he misses his wife, and really wants to see her. Can’t blame the poor man. He’s lost all of his Utopia friends. Poor Red. By far the saddest thing I’ve seen on this show so far.

Nikki and Amanda talk babies. Amanda is all about not having her baby on Utopia.Nikki reassures her that talking to the baby doesn’t make her crazy. Josh comes over to ruin it all. Somehow this turns into a Josh and Nikki sex pact. I’m not sure what just happened, but it happened. Maybe if we don’t think about it, it just will be as if it never happened.

New Utopian Taylor is hot. That’s basically all you need to know about him. Really. Oh, and that he brought steaks for everyone. Hex is all about Taylor. Gone are the days of our beloved snarky Hex. She’s been lost to the sextopia. We’ve got to get a new name for these two that is not Haylor, or Tex.


Red goes out hunting, and brings back a deer. Now they love him. Dude.  Red is the man.  Naturally Bella has a problem with this. Amanda is the poor soul who has to run interference first. Bella just has to make sure it’s dead, though Amanda reassures her that the deer is really dead, she’s gotta check it out. Luckily, it’s super dead.

Hex and Taylor are all over each other. We really don’t need another couple, but they are slightly better than SpicyVet. The best part of this whole relationship is when Taylor forgets Hex’s name and calls her Helen. She responds with a super appropriate “You idiot!”

The group has spent 60% of their money, and they are only three weeks in! What! Dedeker calls for a meeting, and there’s an open forum where everyone brings up what government they want. Surprisingly, Bri has a weirdly good idea. A dictatorship. They settle on every person gets three days to create their own form of government. They draw numbers to see whose rule goes first. Hex starts them off with three days of anarchy. This could only end well.

Hex and Taylor share a heart to heart about the new government and we find out that Taylor reads a newspaper once a year. He has no idea on what to do with his turn as dictator. I mean, dude says he doesn’t even know what democracy is. Luckily, Hex shoots him down for cuddling. You go girl. Don’t cuddle a dude who only reads one newspaper.

Josh declares that Sundays are Shorty Short Sundays. It’s uncomfortable for most, except Bella. She’s loving Sundays now and is willing to watch out for the guys in case they have any wardrobe malfunctions. I can’t even type this without feeling a little queasy.

SpicyVet has their first major fight! Chris made Bri breakfast, like any kind soul would do. Well, Bri drops it and “tells” Chris she did, and then just walked off to the barn. Chris went up to the barn and confronted her about it. I mean, if I had made someone breakfast, and then found it on the ground and the person was nowhere to be found, I’d be pissed too. Bri has to go gain sympathy so she goes to the most sympathetic people there, Rob and Dedeker. Seriously child, this is between you and Chris, not everyone. Bri tries to go off at Chris for “yelling at her in her own barn.” Chris puts her in her place letting her know that she can’t expect everyone to clean up after her messes, because she isn’t a princess. Welcome to the real world Bri! You’re not as cute and charming as you think.  Later, Bri is still trying to garner sympathy by saying she’s apologized and she’s just so sorry and hurt by him. Flash forward to two days, Bri and Chris try to make up. Bri says that she was just so stressed that she didn’t eat anything….well…except that pizza. Don’t worry, by the end of the show they are sucking face again.

Hex has to explain what anarchy really is to a very bored looking group. Basically, anarchy is living by the golden rule. Do unto others as you want to have done to you. Aaron and Kristen, go off on their own and order a bunch of special food- tequila, beer, pizza, and sour patch kids. I’m pretty sure that’s not how anarchy works guys. You wouldn’t like that done to you .

Yeah! Bootcamp! Well…not a real bootcamp. Only one person showed up. Aaron is somehow in charge of this. While Rob is off making plans on how they can sell water to future guests. Bella says that she doesn’t agree that they shouldn’t sell it, Hex decides to end the meeting by saying they should go swimming. Bella gets all irked and points how at every meeting she gives a good idea, she gets cut off. After a short yelling match, it’s over for the time. Later on, Hex finds Bella and apologizes for what happened, and like the true anarchist she is, takes personal responsibility for what she said and how she went about it. Good job  Hex!

Mike decides that he needs to take a closer look at the money. Bella comes up, and politely asks if she can order some organic food so she and Red could have something that they could eat. Mike flips out and says that no one will be ordering food anymore after the $500 spree they just went on. Bella makes the very valid point that not everyone could eat or drink all the junk Aaron and Kristen bought, and that only a few have access to the money. Mike complains that he’s living with a bunch of babies because they keep spending money. I think we all know who needs to have the money code taken away from them.

Aaron and Kristen are trying to through shade on Josh and say that he makes racial jokes all the time. They drag Amanda in on this, and she tries to suss out if he’s really being racist, or is trying to be funny. We all know that Josh’s funny, really isn’t funny. Josh comes up to Kristen later and confronts her about talking about him behind his back. Josh goes over and tries to clear it up with Aaron, and lets him know that he’s not intending it to be racist at all. However, Aaron was the one who agreed to be the one to pull the rickshaw topless. Josh says that he didn’t see it as a color thing, but as a we’re all having fun and that’s what you choose to do. Aaron keeps flipping out as Josh walks away saying he’s not going to argue with stupid. A while later, Josh pulls Aaron aside and apologizes to him saying he didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. Have mercy.

Bri calls the vet to check out a chicken who she believes is choking. So, she spends $125 on a $10 chicken according to Rob. Luckily while the vets are out, they also take a look at the cows, the rest of the chickens, and give Bri lots of advice on how to take care of the animals. Why are we letting her be in charge of the barn again?

Dedeker calls a money meeting and wants to only spend $200 a week, giving everyone their own $10 to buy snacks for the week with. Hex says that would only work if everyone would stop taking from the community food to make snacks. Everyone agrees (mostly) that they would try this for a week and see how it goes. I’m betting they survive on sour patch kids for a couple days.

The Utopians celebrate Chris’s birthday with a burlesque show! This time the girls are putting on the show for the guys, and not like last time when it was the boys who put it on. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to scrub the image of Mike in a corset out of my mind. The girls dress up as guys and show off their best moves. At the end, Bri delivers a letter to Chris from his mom. They break out the tequila, beer and such. Hex takes a few shots and is completely plastered. Girlfriend loses it and goes off on Chris, Bri and basically everyone. From high on a perch, Mike and Dedeker watches and comments on what’s going on. Hex is shoved off to bed, and the group goes back to normal. Hex apologizes to Taylor and Rob. It’s super heartfelt, and they take poor Hex to bed.



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