Synopsis of 1×1-3: Inhumans, not the ones you know or love from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. but other inhumans from the moon, who end up on earth because politics. They don’t understand most earth customs except maybe trash bags and buses?

I came in to the Inhumans series wanting to like it. I love Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. regardless of its problems. I took over reviews for that show because I’m one of the few of the team that does. But even with that, Inhumans is awful.

Even a big, fluffy dog can’t save this. The acting is atrocious. The costumes look like 99cent Store cosplay. Ramsay Bolton is just as annoying as an Inhuman. (Why can’t he play a Simon type character again? He was so sweet and awesome in Misfits.) We held off on a review of the first two episodes, hoping that it would improve somewhat from the two first episodes/IMAX movie (?). 

It did not.

Honestly, this show is groan-worthy. I can hardly watch it without rolling my eyes at the acting and costumes and storyline. If you’re going to have a character who can’t speak, his face needs to speak for him. Instead, Anson Mount raises cartoonish eyebrows.

Also, how is he confused by a camera, but Medusa knows what a bus and trash bags are?

The characters spend the episodes wandering about the island of Oahu. Ramsay Bolton has set his eye on the Moon rather than Winterfell (although it’s probably just as cold). And this team or family must learn about Earth rather quickly. But with very little true emotion.

The one possible positive takeaway is the number of Hawaiians actually in this. Their acting might seem bad, if it weren’t being compared to the leads of this bizarrely poorly acted show. In this case, the random Hawaiian surfers are the most endearing part of the show. With the exception of Medusa, although the removal of her hair seems like the easy way out of ugly CGI and wig-land, actually shows some emotion and almost made me care. Almost. 

So what’s the story? Well Inhumans, and not the ones from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ones on the moon! The royal family of the 1400 Inhumans on the moon (a poorly acted flashback tells us this random number…) seem to be keeping the peace, until Ramsay (bastard!) decides to overthrow his brother.

Again, a flashback shows us that he always cared more about leadership than his brother. He deserves this! The adorable teleporting dog grabs the royals, carrying them down to Hawaii, much like a little blue alien “dog” from another Disney franchise. Of course, he isn’t particularly precise and the group must find their way back to each other. 

King Black Bolt gets arrested for shoplifting. Yes, shoplifting. He was aware enough to notice that his clothing was out of place but didn’t assume that money existed or that he probably shouldn’t attack the police? What do they and don’t they know? And how? What television shows have they been watching on the moon? Not Galaxy Quest, clearly. 

I think this is supposed to endear them to the audience, but, much in the same way that nothing was endearing about Iron Fist, there is little to nothing in this show worth caring about. How is she surprised the ATM won’t just give her money? Y’all have been living on the moon and have had NO INTERACTION WITH EARTH. Earthlings have no idea what Attilan is. 

The third episode introduces some S.H.I.E.L.D. like personnel who are actually scientists. With Desmond leading the charge to get Black Bolt out of prison, it really seems like this group is just a component of the Dharma Initiative. 4-8-15-16-23-42. Those numbers have got to be relevant! Wait! Maybe what Dharma was trying to prevent was the release of Black Bolt’s voice! That’s it! The answer to Lost that we’ve been searching for all this time! ABC has finally answered our prayers and given us… something terrible. 

Inhumans means family. Family means no one gets left behind. Except the audience. We really wish we could get left behind.

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