The Vampire Diaries: What Are You? Recap

Synopsis: Matt discovers how to kill Cade; Bonnie loses herself to grief; Kai returns.

Rating:
Welcome to another wasted hour of my life spent chronicling The Vampire Diaries, the show that refuses to go gently into the night. 

On this week’s episode, Matt goes into a psychic trance where he channels his annoying ancestors to figure out how to kill Cade. Turns out that Colonial-Matt found a weapon forged from Cade’s creation. He hid his discovery in a ciphered-journal, which Damon turns over to Cade in order to save Stefan’s life.

Meanwhile, Stefan is nursing a guilty conscience after becoming human. He killed like a shit-ton of people, but instead of exploring the ‘free will’ and ‘forgiveness’ concepts again for another three seasons, the show makes due with saving one of his victims to fast-track him back to redemption.

That #JuneWedding ain’t happening if Stefan still has blood on his hands. Red won’t match the color scheme.

In ‘this-entire-town-has-terrible-parents’ news, Bonnie’s mom rolls back into town to help consecrate Enzo’s body. When Bonners says she doesn’t feel like Enzo’s spirit is ready to be let go, Momma-Bons goes balls-to-the-wall and torches her daughter’s boyfriend’s dead body because she feels like there’s some bad juju kicking around. #Harsh

To be fair, our favorite dashing sociopath Kai comes waltzing back at the end of the episode, so maybe Bonners did open the door to an evil realm. Either way, I still ship them hardcore. They’re more believable than this BonEnzo romance ever was.

Also, why can nothing ever stay dead in Mystic Falls?