When the challenge came from the folks over at Man Crates to come up with a list of things I’d want on hand to survive a horror movie I jumped at the chance to see what I could come up with. If you’ve never heard of Man Crates they are a company that ships themed “gifts for men” in actual crates. Or, in some cases, ammo tins or other equally manly casings. They’re a lot of fun the company’s great with interacting with fans online. They’ve gotten a bunch of other bloggers to chime and and I wanted to throw in my two cents.
I mean, I’ve probably put way too much time into coming up with zombie contingency plan so this is something I’ve thought about a fair bit. So of course I want to throw in my two cents. But there are other possible scenarios beyond just zombie movies. I mean ‘horror movie’ includes slasher films, monster movies, supernatural thrillers, and more.
So I decided to broaden my horizons and expand my plans.
Different scenarios require a different approach, right? Slasher films and classic monster movies are more about surviving the night or surviving a shorter period of time. Supernatural thrillers involve ghosts and surviving threats that are way harder to discern and fight back against. And zombie movies, well, you better hope you have a plan to keep yourself alive for the foreseeable future because more likely than not you’re in for the long haul.
With that in mind, here’s what I’d like to have a long in these various situations.
In this scenario, I need to not only be able to defend myself but also stay alive for an extended period of time. So this will require a bit more preparation than others. Some of the most important stuff going forward for surviving the zombie apocaylpse will likely be stuff I’d have on hand anyway as someone who enjoys hiking. Some key items: a good, sturdy hiking backpack; hiking poles; a Camelback; camping gear; a Leatherman multi-tool; etc. My zombie survival plan essentially involves finding places to hole up and staying on the move away from other inhabited areas. So this kind of stuff would be crucial. Maybe a hammock to hang up in the trees above ground and a good axe would get added to my list as well. But basically I’d be really focused on keeping my pack well stocked and light enough to carry around with me.
Things I’m less likely to have on hand but need are going to be weapons. I’m not a bow and arrow person and as awesome as Daryl Dixon makes crossbows look I’m not entirely sure they’re for me. I sold guns for a while and I’m comfortable around them and while they are loud – and that’s a definite downside – I also have really shitty upper body strength so relying solely on a melee weapon is probably out of the question, too. My axe from the above paragraph will be be helpful but nothing beats a good blaster at your side, kid.
That brings me to transportation. I love my car. It gets great gas mileage. But it’s a Ford Fiesta so there is no way I’m off roading it in that thing. Besides, no matter how great of gas mileage I get, it’s going to be hard siphoning gas from other cars or getting it from gas stations that shut down when the power went out. If I’m going gas powered, basically I’m going to need to learn to ride a motorcycle. But most likely I’d look for a good bike and go from there. I don’t mind walking. And as long as these are slow zombies I should be able to stay ahead of a few of them in a group here and there. But a bike would make things much easier. And I’m less likely to completely mangle myself if I crash on a bike as opposed to a motorcycle going 60 MPH.
As for companionship… it’d be nice to have people along. Someone to make me laugh, someone who knew a bit about first aid, someone who could cook halfway decent, someone who was a good marksman… but if all else failed, I’d want a dog. I’m hearing impaired and I need to rely on someone – or something – else to help me hear when danger approaches. Even the least trainable dog can turn in the direction of oncoming zombies. So, a dog is definitely a must have. (Which probably means one of those baby things on the back of my hypothetical bike is, too… this is getting complicated.)
A few other miscellaneous items to have along would include my Kindle, a charging cord, and a hand crank radio/flashlight combo with a USB port. I’ve got one that my parents gave me after an emergency preparedness event they attended on-post one time and it’d be great to have along. Barring that, it’d be nice to have one of those personal solar charging kits you can hang on the outside of your hiking pack while you’re out walking. I need my entertainment, you know? And like a lot of people I’d like to have my phone charged if just to play games or look at the pictures of friends, family, and pets (shut up, I love my cats) I’ve lost.
Slasher Film Baddies
Switching gears, slasher films require a lot less planning. Most likely you’re dealing with something that’s going to last a good week at most. Sure, the slashers might continue showing up every few years but what matters is surviving the moments that they are there. In this situation what I would need is basically a large enough sacrificial cast to keep myself alive. I mean, that’s mostly how people survive in those movies. Other people are off banging in the middle of the woods or something. So long as there are other people around for someone to go after, I’ve got a little more time.
I think that weapon-wise, I’m going to grab whatever I can get and I could probably work with that. But the most important thing I’d want to have a long? A satellite phone. That way no matter where we are or whether or not the landlines have been cut I can call for help.
Other than that?
I’d want a gun and a really, really good hiding place. Also: A Randy around to explain the rules of the scenario and to hang out with while we cry huddled together hidden under the floorboards or something.
A plane ticket to another country would also be nice. I never understand why no one doesn’t just remove themselves from the situation entirely. I mean, do you really think Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers has a passport?
Monsters and Things That Go Bump in the Night
It’s hard to say what I’d want to have on hand when it came to monsters because the rules are so different for each and everyone. Some things, like the Blob, have to be frozen. I’m no Mr. Freeze so, in that case, my evade and avoid plan for zombies and slashers would probably have to suffice in a pinch. Sticking to werewolves and vampires are a bit easier. In the case of werewolves you need silver. In the case of vampires… it varies depending on the mythos.
I’m going to pull a Buffy the Vampire Slayer here and go with a silver cross. Sure, I’ll need other things. But I would start out there. I’d have silver and iconography and hopefully that would be enough to keep me safe until I could figure out if I need silver bullets or wooden stakes to take on my enemies.
Lastly, let’s talk about ghosts.
On second hand, nope. NOPE.
This would never be an issue because the second someone said some place was haunted I would be out of there in a hot second. My house is haunted? Burn it to the ground. It gets a bit tricker when it’s demons instead of just ghosts or malevolent spirits. In that case I’m just going to have to pray that salt, some random priest, and whatever Supernatural has taught me is enough to survive because most likely I’m not going to get through that one.
But my one must have item?
A camera. I love found footage horror films – especially the supernatural ones. So if I’m going to go out I’m at least going to go out filming. Who knows, maybe it could wind up being the next blockbuster!
Okay, so, some of those weren’t all that helpful.
But, hey, these are my lists!
What would you want to have on hand in the event of a zombie apocalypse, demonic or ghostly haunting, classic monster movie stalker, or a teenage kegger turned blood bath? Let us know in the comments! And check out Man Crates when you get a chance.